I was looking up things about emotional detachment and indifference since people (Geoyi and Roxanne) have mentioned that I have a tendency to not give a damn and found some sites and diagnosis that lead me to believe I am Schizoid. Now I'm not using it as an excuse or anything but it makes me feel less stifled (in my mind) and that its not entirely my fault that I'm socially inept (retarded) and that there are other people out there that know whats going on inside my head and I'm not as alone as I think (run-on I know). It also explains A LOT of things about myself.

I'm sure most of you already know that its hard for me to connect with you or others (otherwise we would have a stronger friendship than seeing each other through other friends) but you don't know that I desperately wished that I could. I would love nothing more than to be able to call up a friend and hang out if another was busy. Or just talk on the phone without being completely uncomfortable. One on one with anybody besides my close friends make me nervous and... I don't know uncomfortable?, anxious?, weird?

Ill let you in on something, I create vivid imaginations in which I play out different scenarios in life which causes me to drift off at times, usually when I'm alone. It could be minutes that I fantasize or it could even be hours depending on how interisting the fantasy is. I might take something that I read or happened sometime in the past and apply them in my fantasy thinking what people would have said to this or that and how I would have responded. Even trying to explain myself to others Ive fantasized their reactions and their and my responses. (And not fantasize in the perverted sense in case Linda reads this lol). It doesn't just involves real people but it could be a daydream where its completely fictional (mythological, fantasy ect.) basically I just create alternate realities and play them out in my head. Its really hard to explain but I always wondered if it was a normal thing to do. Its not like I can go up to some person and ask if they create fictional lives of themselves and their friends.

Also the cause of Schizoid is either related to a relative having some form of Schizophrenia or where families are devoid of any affection. I think it was on one of my past journals (the one about the car accident "So many...") where I said its like living with strangers. I never felt close to any of them and having conversations is weird for me (except maybe with my dad but i don't think those are conversations just sequential statements).

The only people I feel absolutely comfortable with and feel like I have a connection with are:
Linda
Geoyi
Keyla
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Matt
Essence
Fern

The people above the line I feel I know inside and out and vice versa and can be myself completely, the ones under it I don't think we understand each other as much as we could but I feel very comfortable being with them. (The only reason Matt is under there is cause Ive known him the shortest ok?) Its easy enough for me to make friends but its extremely difficult for me to actually keep them. Everyone else in my life it seems I drift away from without even noticing it happened until you cant even call it a friendship anymore. Then its just too awkward for me to try to restore any bond there was. That includes family.

Anyways I just thought it was pretty interesting. Its not like I'm actually going to pay a psychiatrist to tell me what I already know about myself and its not like I'm going to go through with any treatment (that involves family or social groups). Not that I don't want to get better just that I'm incredibly cheap and know I'm probably not going to show up unless I do pay. It'd just be nice to get a confirmation.

I really don't know what else to put except the actual info about Schizoids. Anything else is too personal (that telling about my fantasy thing was hard enough).


Schizoid personality disorder is a condition in which people avoid social activities and consistently shy away from interaction with others. People with the disorder are generally loners with a profound inability to connect with others and form personal relationships.

To others, people with schizoid personality disorder may appear aloof, dull or humorless, and they're often ignored in social settings. People with schizoid personality disorder show a flattened or restricted range of emotions, and can appear indifferent to what's going on around them. However, their inner life can be rife with a deep emotional need, sensitivity and confusion about the world around them.

Info

Info

FYI I don't have delusions so I'm not Schizotypal and I know I don't have Schizophrenia.

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EDIT: My mom just asked me when her birthday was and I said I didnt know and she said it was today. I didn't feel horrible since I don't know any family members birthday, I did feel bad for a moment but she was laughing and saying my brother didnt know either. But it did annoy me slightly when she said my sister sent her a text saying Happy Birthday. Shes ruining the bitchy image I have of her.